I Find Her Disgusting Chapter 79

Yan Huirou was stunned for a moment.
The two were lying on the bed, still in that intimate posture from before.
Jiang Xidai’s fingertip touched Yan Huirou’s lips, like an anchor, and the rest of the kiss followed.
Yan Huirou admitted that she had been lost for a moment in the warmth between their lips. But when she came to her senses and wanted to ask the woman for clarification, Jiang Xidai fell upon her like a begonia branch, wrapping and pressing her down until she couldn’t move.
“Sect Master?”
With a soft tearing sound, Yan Huirou felt a soft, thin gauze fall. Her hand was taken, and something warm and wet traced lightly from her palm.
It tickled a little.
Yan Huirou wanted to pull her hand back, but it was held fast.
With a glance, she saw it clearly. In the faint light, the woman was lightly licking and kissing the base of her palm.
For a moment, reality and the amorous dream from before half-overlapped, making it hard to tell if she was in a dream or a guest in reality.
Jiang Xidai looked up. Her expression was nothing special, but her charm was innate, making it impossible to look away, and she was clearer than in the dream.
If Yan Huirou were to close her hand, she could completely cup her chin.
But Yan Huirou didn’t dare to move, even her breathing was quiet.
She just felt, felt those lips on her wrist, and, whether intentionally or not, the tip of her tongue traced lightly, seeming to draw a line across the marriage line below her little finger.
Being treated like this, she couldn’t help but twitch her fingers.
And then her finger was taken into her mouth, pressed between her teeth and gently ground, the meaning unclear.
Yan Huirou took a very light breath, her eyes half-closed as she watched what was happening before her in a daze, her eyelashes trembling slightly.
A sentence came from beside her neck, traveling up her pulse. “Do you want me?”
Yan Huirou, who was being pushed onto the bed, stopped blinking, her lashes suddenly widening as if her mind had been shaken.
Her face first turned three parts pale, then three parts red, and finally, alternating, it turned into the pink of a lotus tip.
“Sect Master,” it was rare for Yan Huirou to be so stiff she couldn’t speak, “what is our relationship?”
In the darkness, Jiang Xidai pressed her lips together. It was unclear if she was smiling, but from her eyes, it didn’t seem so.
“Yan Huirou.”
“If…”
“If I…”
“If I do it with you, can you, can you be as good to me as before?”
Hearing this, Yan Huirou’s eyes showed a bit of surprise. She looked up and asked, “Why would you say that?”
The shock from before also, like scattered willow catkins, fell all over, like a light snow.
“Yan Huirou.”
“Actually, I’ve never known what you like about me. Besides this appearance, I might, have nothing left.”
“…”
“So the Sect Master thinks that I’m good to you because of that?”
“And then?” Yan Huirou frowned. “Because I couldn’t sleep with you? I turned cold and stopped being intimate with you?”
Jiang Xidai shook her head. She wouldn’t think so lowly of Yan Huirou.
But.
Jiang Xidai couldn’t help but think of other things, mostly revolving around herself.
After all, this was a fact.
She didn’t feel that she and Yan Huirou were kindred spirits on the inside.
For example, Jiang Xidai sometimes didn’t understand some of Yan Huirou’s words, and she wasn’t very good at Yan Huirou’s interests.
Yan Huirou liked to make small pastries, liked to raise fluffy creatures, and always read quietly. Although she wasn’t old, she spoke elegantly and was well-read. If one were to chat with her, the conversation would never die down, but it wouldn’t be too noisy either.
She was always just right, just right like a mother’s porridge. Not necessarily stunning, but definitely the most reassuring and palatable.
Although there had been some resentment before they met, and Jiang Xidai had always felt that the Heavenly Dao favored Yan Huirou.
But having reached this point, Jiang Xidai realized she had been completely wrong. Yan Huirou was likable because it was in her nature—this was different from the male lead’s forced luck.
She was different.
Different from him, and different from herself.
And Yan Huirou lay quietly on the bed, listening to the woman’s words. Perhaps Jiang Xidai herself hadn’t noticed the humility in them.
Yan Huirou’s heart ached.
The Sect Master’s personality was not weak; this could be seen from many details. This showed that it had been shaped by her experiences.
Perhaps she had once been bright and sharp, like the rosy glow on a thin red three-chi sword.
But now, Yan Huirou could no longer see her like that. Perhaps a shadow of it could still be seen in her past disguises for strangers, but as they became more familiar, that side of her also became more unfamiliar.
Time died, inch by inch, in silence.
Jiang Xidai’s heart was also dying, inch by inch, like a candle consumed by the wind.
Finally, her eyes lowered. She looked at her own thin, disheveled clothes, curved her lips, and smiled.
How despicable, how disgusting.
Of course, she knew.
Who would like such a person? She wouldn’t even like herself. Perhaps the one good impression Yan Huirou had of her would be completely ruined by her.
She had wanted to be proud and superior, but she couldn’t bear the days without Yan Huirou’s attention.
The time when a person is most likely to fall into pain is when they want both one thing and another.
So she weighed her options. She thought she could no longer hold onto her empty pride, because she knew very well the panic of sitting alone in the empty hall in the middle of the night.
What was even more ridiculous was that she still had her pride. But every time she said such things, it was like throwing it on the ground—like a priceless piece of Hetian jade, shattered a few times, broken into a pile of fragments, and then it was truly worthless.
She didn’t know what else she had that could make her reconcile with Yan Huirou.
Just as she was in despair, Yan Huirou moved.
A young and beautiful girl, when relaxed, was soft everywhere, just like Yan Huirou herself.
Yan Huirou reached out and pulled Jiang Xidai down. Her soft arm wrapped around Jiang Xidai’s waist, a familiar action that stirred a long-lost warmth in Jiang Xidai’s heart.
Jiang Xidai quietly pressed against her, their bodies fitting together perfectly. Her peach-blossom eyes were lowered, possessing a certain charming and romantic air.
She closed her eyes tightly and clutched Yan Huirou’s clothes.
Seeing that Yan Huirou seemed to have accepted, Jiang Xidai’s heart did not feel as light as she had thought. She felt extremely ashamed.
Her thoughts couldn’t help but wander. She didn’t know if she should be the top or the bottom later.
Jiang Xidai’s lashes trembled—in any case, she had no experience. She had only seen those maids rubbing mirrors, and a few pages of low-quality spring palace pictures. And her old lover had been like a chaste and virtuous woman in front of her, they rarely even kissed, so none of that counted.
“…Why so nervous? Sect Master.”
“I’ve never been one before.” She decided to say it first, to avoid losing more face later.
Yan Huirou was puzzled. “Been what?”
Jiang Xidai untied the red string that held her hair—she preferred jade rings during the day, but soft ones indoors. She let her black hair flow freely, her eyes lifting with a lingering charm. “A top or a bottom.”
“…”
Yan Huirou was stunned for a moment, then she understood, smiled at her, and said, “That sounds very extreme. I feel like there should be a state in between.”
“What do you know…” Jiang Xidai wanted to laugh at her. How come she had never heard of one in the middle? But as soon as she said this, she realized it was a bit disruptive to the hard-won good atmosphere.
The woman pressed her crimson lips together. After a moment, she found that Yan Huirou’s favorability had not dropped, and she quietly sighed in relief in her heart.
Yan Huirou moved closer to her, their breath almost mingling.
Jiang Xidai tried to relax, but people always find it difficult to adapt to unfamiliar things, so she was half-tense, half-not.
Her thoughts went back to earlier, and she still felt a little sad.
If Yan Huirou didn’t agree, she would naturally find it difficult.
But if Yan Huirou agreed, it was as if it proved that sentence. She was indeed attracted to her appearance, and there was nothing left on the inside.
Either way, Jiang Xidai couldn’t be happy.
But she thought to herself, be content. At least there is still someone by my side.
Right?
But, Yan Huirou chose neither.
She moved a little closer, and little by little, she pecked Jiang Xidai on the lips, then reached out and wrapped her arms gently around Jiang Xidai’s waist, holding her tight.
A tight embrace that was so long-awaited it made one’s eyes water.
As the force around her waist tightened, all the strength in Jiang Xidai’s body seemed to drain away. She was too greedy for this residual warmth, and for a moment, she was so soft she was unwilling to disturb this atmosphere.
“Yan Huirou… hm?”
Seeing Yan Huirou not move for a long time, she called out softly.
“In the future, please don’t be like this.”
Yan Huirou’s voice was soft and gentle, like a hazy moonlight enveloping her. “Don’t sell yourself. This is not something that can be bought and sold. Perhaps such things are not uncommon. I know, some use money to buy, and some use power to buy.”
Hearing this, Jiang Xidai subconsciously denied it. “Yan Huirou, these are two different things. How could I…”
“That’s because the Sect Master is not moved by the former two.”
“The filth of money is dirty, and the trade of power and sex is murky. To use love as a price, is that noble? It’s just a different currency.”
Yan Huirou held her. “Sect Master Jiang, I admit…” She was still a little shy to bring up this topic so directly, but she finally spoke, “I admit I have lusted after you, many times, over and over, also on nights like this, oh, and in the bath.”
“But as long as you are unwilling or uncomfortable, as long as you have the slightest reservation in your heart, even if it’s in exchange for my love, you cannot.”
“You must cherish yourself.”
“Whether good or evil, good or bad, there is only one Jiang Xidai in this world, unique.”
Yan Huirou’s index finger curled slightly, stroking the woman’s temple. “So neither soul nor body is allowed.”
Yan Huirou looked at her quietly, her brows like mountains, her eyes calm, not like a vast river, but like the surface of a lake with the beauty of Xizi. Shimmering, with fine ripples.
“Mm.”
Jiang Xidai watched as those eyes curved slightly, like the moon of Gusu falling into the water, bright and clear, shining on her with a pure light.
Jiang Xidai was held in her arms, and little by little, she relaxed her body. But when her eyes closed wearily, her heart trembled.
What she was thinking just now was not that she hoped Yan Huirou would always be good to her.
But that a girl like Yan Huirou should always live well.
As she was thinking this, she seemed to suddenly understand these thick, obscure feelings. It was, indeed, love.
How wonderful… it’s love.
Not despicable possessiveness.