After Rebirth, the Heroine is Consumed by Overwhelming Regret Chapter 46

Ling Aorui didn’t recognize her, just thinking she was the steward here, so she said, “I wasn’t the one who wanted to come.”
“I know, she’s the one who asked you to come,” Yu Yan said.
“If you don’t want me here, I can leave right now.” Ling Aorui put down her tools, got up, and was about to walk towards the door.
Yu Yan stopped her and said, “How could I dare let you leave? You’re not the one I brought here. If you left, wouldn’t it become my fault?”
Ling Aorui didn’t detect the sarcasm in her tone and said, “I’m just someone who wants to atone. There’s no right or wrong. As long as I can be of help, it’s the same anywhere.”
“It must be hard for you, being so devoted,” Yu Yan said. “What, are you getting married soon?”
“What?”
“Didn’t you say you and Qi Qing have a marriage agreement, but it was delayed by other matters? Now that you’ve finally reunited after a long separation, shouldn’t you quickly become dao companions and continue your destined love? When that time comes, I’ll have to come for a celebratory drink or two.”
She spoke with a sarcastic tone, but Ling Aorui didn’t catch it at all. Only when she heard her mention the marriage agreement did Ling Aorui remember they had met before; the other person was the one who had taken Qi Qing away back then.
“Have you been the one helping take care of Qingqing these past few days?” Ling Aorui said. “Thank you. Back then, I still had some matters to attend to, so I couldn’t finish that fight. If you want to continue, we can start now.”
She said it very sincerely, almost naively.
Yu Yan realized that getting angry with this person was pointless.
The other person didn’t see her as an enemy, nor did she even sense her hostility. No matter what was said, it was like they were talking past each other.
She didn’t need to pick a fight with this person either. The problems between her and Qi Qing had little to do with this person. Even without her, there would still be a rift between them.
Qi Qing knew about the love tribulation, and this was the only thing Yu Yan felt guilty about. Originally, if their feelings had reached that point, not returning to the Heavenly Palace wouldn’t have mattered. But since their feelings hadn’t, anything could become an obstacle.
Why should she deceive herself?
So she shook her head. “There’s no need anymore… I’ve already… If you two want to leave, I won’t stop you.”
“She won’t leave with me, and I don’t expect her to forgive me either.” Ling Aorui suddenly sighed. “We… we can’t go back to the past.”
Past…
Yu Yan’s heart ached at that word, clenching sharply. She knew they had a past, but she didn’t know exactly what had happened or how far things had gone.
Actually, knowing or not wouldn’t change anything, but she couldn’t help but blurt out, “You… what exactly happened between you two before? Why did you…”
She tensed her nerves, prepared to be hurt.
“I’m the one who wronged her…” Ling Aorui fell silent for a moment, then began to speak of past events. She desperately needed someone to listen, but besides Qi Qing, she didn’t know who to tell. Now that someone was asking, it was exactly what she wanted.
Yu Yan listened from across, her heart slowly sinking.
If she had previously suspected that Qi Qing didn’t love her, now she was completely certain the other woman had never loved her. In Ling Aorui’s description, she saw a completely different Qi Qing—one who was lively, cheerful, clingy, and proactive. No matter what her lover said or did, this Qi Qing was incredibly supportive, even to the point of being subservient.
And Ling Aorui’s response could hardly be called enthusiastic.
Even later on, after they made their relationship public, Ling Aorui merely took her around hunting demons, without giving her any of the care a lover should.
Across the sealed chasm of time and space, Yu Yan could even see the disappointment on Qi Qing’s face. She was like a hardworking little maidservant who never complained. Even if the other person went too far, bringing others before her, she would just force a smile and continue to do things to please them.
And the more she gave, the less she was cherished.
Yet this docile, considerate, and utterly yielding version of her had never been shown to Yu Yan. It wasn’t to say that this behavior was right, but from a certain perspective, how carefully one treated another could reflect that person’s importance in their heart.
This was probably the weight of a first love.
Blind, excessive, and likely to end badly, but the person in it had given their most sincere and ardent feelings.
How could Yu Yan not know?
She, too, had been like the Qi Qing of the past—blind, excessive, and reckless. Just as the fox had said, others would just muddle through, creating some illusions to move the other person and make them fall in love. Such dao companions weren’t worth cherishing; if killed, so be it.
But she wasn’t like that.
She had done so much, yet she had never made it clear.
Perhaps it was precisely because she had done too much that she was reluctant to give up. Sometimes, people were unwilling to let go not just because the person was so good, but because they themselves had invested too much in the relationship. Every time she thought about how subservient she had been, wondering why the other person wouldn’t even look back, she felt even more unwilling to accept it.
But it was strange. Wasn’t she the one who chose to give?
Why, then, did she feel wronged and sad when she didn’t get the outcome she wanted?
This was too unfair to the other person. They hadn’t asked for it; she had insisted on doing it. Yet in the end, it was as if she blamed them for not giving any feedback.
…
It was her own fault.
Yu Yan lowered her head, a bitter smile on her face.
She didn’t remember how she left that place, but pain chased after her, forcing her to flee. The snow started falling again. She braved the cold wind, instinctively running south.
The south… Would there be bright sunshine in the south?
She didn’t know. She felt like her whole body was about to freeze, not because of the external temperature, but from the chill in her heart. She hated the self that had given too much, hated the self whose efforts went unrewarded, hated the self who, despite not being rewarded, refused to give up, only to be despised and uncherished.
This wasn’t Qi Qing’s fault.
Not loving her wasn’t Qi Qing’s fault.
But she was so sad, so sad her heart felt like it was breaking. She didn’t have the courage to stay there any longer. She didn’t know how to face Qi Qing. The thought of how attentive Qi Qing had once been to Ling Aorui made her think of her own subservience. Had all her efforts been worth it?
Bringing Ling Aorui in was probably to force her to leave.
Then she would just leave.
She couldn’t learn to compromise and endure grievances; she could only leave.
She ran like that all night. When the sky was just beginning to lighten, the air finally warmed a little. Pedestrians, early risers on their way to work, began to appear. Everyone looked energetic, bustling towards their goals.
But she had no goal.
She didn’t even know why she was running away.
The wind chilled her to the bone, and her stomach was empty. Seeing a stall selling breakfast nearby, she walked over and ordered a bowl. The food came quickly: a soup with pepper and steamed dumplings, the soup sprinkled with a layer of bright green chopped scallions. She scooped some up and took a sip. She couldn’t taste anything, only the scalding heat and the spicy flavor.
After swallowing it, her body warmed up considerably.
She started to cry. The warmth she couldn’t find elsewhere was given to her by a bowl of soup. Tears mixed with the soup as she gulped it down, tasting a saltiness, though she didn’t know if it was from the soup or her tears.
As she was drinking the soup, she suddenly heard a shout from outside.
“Where do you think you’re running!” A man’s powerful voice rang out, and then something rushed in. It quickly darted under her table, trembling incessantly.
She looked down and saw a small fox.
Was it being chased by those people?
Soon, the man rushed in. He first overturned a few tables, then uttered some harsh threats, demanding the little fox show itself. Yu Yan, sitting in the innermost part, watched him continuously smashing things and shouting abuse, and couldn’t help but frown.
She didn’t want to meddle in other people’s business, but if this man dared to disturb her peace, she wouldn’t let him act recklessly. The man smashed everything in sight and, sure enough, headed in her direction. But before he could smash her table, she directly shattered his leg bone.
The man, with a broken leg, screamed like a pig being slaughtered. She walked past him without a glance and headed out the door. After walking for a bit, she remembered she hadn’t taken her money pouch. Just as she turned back, she saw the little red fox running towards her, carrying the pouch in its mouth.
Seeing her stop, the fox quickly placed the money pouch on the ground.
It indicated that it had delivered the item to her.
Yu Yan gave it a slight nod, picked up the money pouch, and walked forward. After a few steps, she found she had no direction and stopped again to think. It was already light out. She wondered if Qi Qing had discovered her departure, and if so, how she would react.
Hah, maybe she’s happy about it.
Without me, she can be with Ling Aorui, flying wing to wing.
I’m just an unnecessary decoration, a barrier preventing lovers from being together. Anyway, there’s no good outcome for us together, so why not give up my place? At least with Ling Aorui, she won’t have to endure the threat of killing her wife to prove her Dao.
Who would want to be in a relationship under that kind of threat?
Yu Yan felt both despair and self-mockery. With nowhere to go, she could only pace around. After a while, she noticed a fiery red figure behind her, sneaking around, seemingly wanting to follow her but afraid of being discovered.
Seeking protection?
Yu Yan didn’t know she would ever see a day when someone needed her. So, she turned, squatted down, and beckoned the little fox over. The fox approached tentatively, sniffed her palm, and then gently nuzzled her hand. Its soft fur softened her heart a little.
“How did you end up here?” Yu Yan asked.
The little fox seemed not to understand, tilting its head. Its stomach suddenly rumbled. Seeing it was skin and bones from hunger, Yu Yan picked it up and took it to get something to eat.
…
Meanwhile, when Qi Qing was tending to business at the temple gate in the morning, Xue’er rushed over to find her, saying that Master hadn’t come to the alchemy room, and there was no one in her room either.
She found it strange. Yu Yan had always been very serious about her work. If there was something urgent, she would definitely make arrangements before leaving. Not being able to find her now meant something must have happened.
So she stopped what she was doing and walked around the temple looking for her.
She didn’t find her, but she did see someone unexpected.
“What are you doing here?” Qi Qing stood by the door, watching Ling Aorui skillfully processing medicinal herbs, finding it utterly baffling.
“Someone else asked me to come.” Ling Aorui put down what she was doing and added, “A fox immortal named Jiu Chan forcibly brought me here to work. The original people were all taken away by her. I’m a bit overwhelmed. Can you find me a few more helpers?”
Is this the time to talk about helpers?
Qi Qing was somewhat speechless. Then, remembering it wasn’t the time to pursue this matter, she asked, “Have you seen Yu Yan? Has she been here?”
“Who?”
Qi Qing conjured an image of Yu Yan for her to see. She glanced at it and said, “She came last night, we talked for a bit, then she suddenly left.”
“Talked for a bit? What did you talk about?”
“Nothing much, just some idle talk.”
Qi Qing told her to get out quickly and not be an eyesore here. Ling Aorui said helplessly, “But I’m the only one here. If I leave, the alchemy room will start rushing me again.”
“It’s none of your business. You shouldn’t have come up here in the first place. I told you not to appear around here, and I don’t want to see you again. Do you not understand, or are you doing this on purpose?”
“But it wasn’t what I wanted…”
“It doesn’t matter if it was someone else or yourself. You knew I didn’t want to see you, yet you still came. What do you mean? Did someone force you up here with a knife?”
“I’m sorry…”
“Alright, stop talking. Hurry up and leave. And don’t loiter around here. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to.” Qi Qing made way for her, her face showing annoyance.
Ling Aorui frowned, her expression somewhat desolate. She said, “Qingqing, I have made mistakes, even committed sins. But everyone makes mistakes. Can this matter never be put behind us? Can this person never be forgiven?
I’ve already tried my best. I thought about making amends. I tried many methods to revive you, but I didn’t succeed… I’m also in great pain.
I chased you here not to annoy you or make you come back to me. I only ask to be able to stay by your side and do what I can. You can use me like a tool. I can not speak, not see you. I just need to know you’re nearby and living well, that’s enough!”
She spoke sincerely, but Qi Qing’s expression didn’t waver in the slightest.
After she finished speaking, Qi Qing took a deep breath and said, “Ling Aorui, this is the last time I will answer your questions. I hope that after you hear me out, you will never bother me again. I also hope you can consider things from my perspective. If you were me, how would you answer your questions? Can you do that?”
Ling Aorui nodded.
“Do you think I’m angry because you didn’t keep your promise and fell for someone else? That I jumped off the cliff because I was devastated and couldn’t see a way out? Or that you were good to me, and I didn’t repay you properly, that I was too proud back then and couldn’t see your efforts, that you were actually the only one who was genuinely good to me…?”
“I told you, that was the system’s requirement,” Qi Qing said. “My being good to you was also to absorb your fortune. You falling for someone else is understandable, at most a slight moral failing.
In this world, nothing is a big deal except life and death. What you wronged me most about was depriving me of my right to live. Emotional wounds heal, betrayal can be forgotten, but only illness gets worse day by day.”
Ling Aorui frowned and said, “Illness? Are you sick?”
“You were the one who was sick. You were injured and blinded.
You probably sensed it vaguely, didn’t you? Blindness was a trial given to you by the heavens. No matter what you did, you couldn’t escape this fate.
Originally, you were supposed to be blind for life. But I felt sorry for you, so I went against the heavens and made a deal with the system, exchanging all my lifespan for your recovery.”
“But if that’s the case, wouldn’t you…”
“Yes, that way, I wouldn’t have many years left to live. But I knew you had a pair of life-sharing Gu. I thought that during our grand ceremony, you would definitely use them with me.
But I didn’t get to see that day. By the time you used that Gu on Hua Jiaolian, I was already beyond saving.”
“I… I didn’t know… Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did tell you. Do you remember I asked you a question once?
I asked you, if your eyes were healed, would you still be with me? Back then, you said that no matter what happened, you would never abandon me.”
Guilt increasingly filled Ling Aorui’s face, and sorrow began to show in her eyes. She had never imagined Qi Qing had sacrificed so much for her. “I’m sorry, Qingqing. I didn’t know the truth was like this. If I had known earlier, I would never have used the Gu on someone else, nor would I have betrayed your deep affection. I was bewitched back then, madly in love with that person, I…”
“No need to say more,” Qi Qing said. “It’s too late.”
“Qingqing, I’m sorry, I really didn’t know. I always thought you jumped off the cliff because of our breakup. I was the one who caused your death, it’s all my fault…”
“So, reconciliation between us is impossible. You should leave.”
Leaving those words behind, Qi Qing went outside.
Only Ling Aorui remained in the room. She hung her head, her gaze flickering, still murmuring, “I’m sorry, Qingqing. Everything I owe you, I will repay it all…”
Qi Qing took a deep breath and went to find Jiu Chan.
Jiu Chan was leisurely lounging in a rocking chair, directing people under her to work. Seeing Qi Qing enter, she said in surprise, “Why have you come? Isn’t it busy at the front?”
Qi Qing only asked, “Where is Yu Yan?”
“Haven’t seen her. Isn’t she in the alchemy room?” Jiu Chan answered casually. Seeing Qi Qing’s pale face, she then got up from the rocking chair and said gravely, “What, she’s missing?”
Qi Qing nodded. Actually, she already had a bad feeling in her heart, but she still didn’t know why Yu Yan had left. On her way here, she had sent many voice transmissions, but no one answered. Spells to find people were also ineffective. This meant Yu Yan deliberately didn’t want to be found.
Jiu Chan was responsible for tracking Yu Yan, so naturally, she had a way to find out her location. At this moment, she took out a divine compass and, after looking at it, exclaimed, “Huh? Why has she run so far?”
Yu Yan had headed south. The south was the territory of the demon realm. She was now hundreds of miles away from them. Although still within the mortal realm, she was close to the border. This was definitely not a distance she could have covered just today; it must have been since last night at least.
And at full speed.
“Why is she in such a hurry? Did something happen?” Jiu Chan was somewhat surprised, then said, “I can’t lose her. I have to go after her. Are you coming?”
Qi Qing nodded. She found Xue’er and asked her to look after the business for now, and to close up early once the medicine was sold out. Xue’er knew they were going to look for Yu Yan, so she told them to be careful on the road.
The two didn’t dare to delay and rushed off in the direction shown by the divine compass. This journey would take at least ten to twelve hours, and they would have to use full-speed divine travel.
As they descended the mountain, Ling Aorui also saw them.
Although she didn’t know what they were up to, she still chased after them.
Meanwhile, Yu Yan was at an eatery with the little fox. The fox was clearly famished, making eager sounds as it ate until its belly was round, only then reluctantly stopping.
Yu Yan actually didn’t have much fondness for foxes, but after spending so much time with Jiu Chan these days, she found that silly little animals weren’t so bad. She gently stroked the fox’s fur, but her thoughts had flown far away.
A day had passed.
Before leaving, she had thrown away all her voice transmission tools precisely because she didn’t want to know if the other person would contact her. But now that it was truly quiet, she felt a little sad again.
If Qi Qing can’t find me, what will she do?
She must be very anxious, abandoning her work to look for me everywhere. I shouldn’t have been so willful. At least, I shouldn’t have troubled the people who come to the temple for treatment.
Just as her thoughts were wandering, she suddenly felt a wave of killing intent. It came abruptly and vanished just as quickly, so she couldn’t tell if it was directed at her. She looked around, but only saw people coming and going, all busy with their own affairs, and couldn’t find anything unusual.
She picked up the sleeping little fox and walked out of the eatery.
Originally, she didn’t need to take it with her. But the little fox was all alone, and if left there, it might encounter danger. So she decided to be thoroughly kind and take it to a safe place before releasing it.
After walking for a long time, until she was out of the crowd, she didn’t feel anything unusual again. She guessed the killing intent might not have been related to her. It had been a long time since she was out alone; it was inevitable to be a little sensitive.
Oh well, I should find a place to stay for the night.
There were many inns in this place. She walked through a small alley, heading towards the lights not far away. But just as she was about to reach the middle of the alley, the lights suddenly seemed to recede, growing dimmer and dimmer.
The short alley became extremely long and deep.
She stopped in her tracks and realized she had actually fallen into an illusion formation.
But how could this be possible? She herself was a formation cultivator. How could she have no defense against a pre-set illusion formation? Unless this formation wasn’t set up in advance at all, but was laid down only after she stepped into it.
And the only one capable of doing such a thing was…
She looked down and saw that the fox in her arms had, at some unknown point, turned into a cloth doll. This doll emanated black energy; it was a powerful cursed object.
I’ve fallen into a trap.
But who is it?
Before Yu Yan could react, she suddenly heard a young girl’s voice from above her. The voice should have been charming and seductive, but the words spoken were filled with venomous resentment and accusation: “You and Qi Qing conspired to kill my mother! Today, even if I have to risk my life, I will make you pay for this blood debt with blood!”