After Rebirth, the Heroine is Consumed by Overwhelming Regret Chapter 45

If it were the Qi Qing of the past, she would have definitely lost her temper by now, sharply demanding to know what the other person was doing here.
But the current her wouldn’t do that.
Reacting strongly and being overly defensive was a sign of being unable to control the situation, a mere bluff. And now, with her cultivation at the Void Transformation Realm, she wouldn’t be the least bit afraid even if the most powerful figures of the age stood before her. Besides, Ling Aorui wasn’t here to fight her.
So she was calm and composed, merely turning around and asking, “What is it?”
Ling Aorui stood at the bottom of the long, snow-white stairs. Although she was in a lower position, she showed no discomfort from being looked down upon. She slowly ascended the steps, like a wisp of goose down drifting by, leaving no trace on the snow.
“Stop,” Qi Qing said.
She stopped at once.
“This isn’t a place you should be,” Qi Qing said. “If you’re here to apologize, I accept. You can leave now.”
“I want to do more than just apologize,” Ling Aorui said. “Qingqing, there have been too many misunderstandings between us. I hope you can give me a chance to explain.”
“There are no misunderstandings between us,” Qi Qing said.
“You don’t know what happened, I…”
Before she could finish, Qi Qing interrupted her. “Stop. I don’t want to hear about those old, trivial matters. Why you two fell in love is none of my business. Even if, for argument’s sake, you had your reasons and difficulties, the matter is already in the past. Whatever you say or do, the Qi Qing from back then won’t wake up again, understand?”
Ling Aorui was indeed at a loss for words. After a long pause, she finally said, “I’m sorry…”
“So just leave. We have nothing more to say.” With that, Qi Qing turned and walked towards the temple gate. Who knew that after just two steps, she would hear a soft thud from behind.
She looked back and saw that the other person had already kneeled. And this kneeling wasn’t to stop her or beg her, but a calm, composed, unhurried movement.
As if she were casually sitting down for tea, admiring flowers, or listening to the snow.
The other person knelt at the foot of the steps before the temple gate. Snowflakes drifted onto her, bit by bit, as if sculpting a snow statue. The other person said nothing, but Qi Qing knew she would continue to kneel.
This was a silent expression.
If it were the Qi Qing of the past, she might have thought the other person was demonstrating or trying to pressure her. But now, she felt Ling Aorui did this simply because she thought she should, without considering it might trouble others.
In a way, the human part of Ling Aorui was missing. She had her own way of doing things and wouldn’t be troubled by how others felt. To put it nicely, she was insensitive; to put it bluntly, she had something like a personality disorder.
Qi Qing looked down at her. She didn’t look up, just knelt quietly.
Qi Qing lifted her foot to leave, then suddenly remembered something and turned back, saying, “Don’t kneel here. You’ll affect others coming to see the doctor.”
Ling Aorui glanced up at her, got up, walked down a few steps to a flat landing at a turn in the stairs, avoiding the path up the mountain, and was about to kneel again.
“Wait,” Qi Qing said. “Don’t kneel there either.”
Ling Aorui was a bit at a loss. She could only walk further away, almost reaching the edge of a cliff—actually, it wasn’t a cliff, just that the temple was on the mountainside of a small hill. There were slopes on all sides, and only one set of stairs leading down, with slopes on either side of the stairs.
Qi Qing watched her standing at the edge of the stairs, wanting to kneel but having nowhere to do so, and finally asked, “What exactly are you trying to do?”
“I feel very sorry,” Ling Aorui said. “I don’t know what I can do either. If killing me would make you feel better… I can die here right now.”
“I don’t want to kill you,” Qi Qing said. “And don’t die in front of my temple. Can’t you just not bother me?”
“…” Ling Aorui’s expression looked a little hurt. Then a faint, bitter smile appeared on her face. “Qingqing, you never used to find me annoying. You followed me wherever I went. Back then… back then, we were so happy…”
“You were the one who abandoned me,” Qi Qing corrected her. “Don’t act like the victim, Ling Aorui. There’s no such rule in the world that the injured party must accept the perpetrator’s apology just because they feel guilty. Belated affection is cheaper than dirt. You don’t need to use this to pressure me.”
“I never expected you to forgive me,” Ling Aorui said. “I just want to talk to you. Even if we don’t talk about feelings, we were still friends, back then…”
“We were never friends,” Qi Qing interrupted her.
“But back then, you were the one who stayed with me when I was blind,” Ling Aorui said, a little urgently. “I was truly grateful to you, for staying by my side when everyone else had left…”
“That was fake,” Qi Qing said. “I approached you only to win you over. I’m a transmigrator, forced by a system. My goal was to gain your favor and absorb your good fortune.”
Ling Aorui was silent for a moment, her voice suddenly becoming somewhat ethereal. “So, you never developed any feelings for me?”
“Is there any point in talking about this now?” Qi Qing didn’t want to discuss it. “I just want to tell you, we were wrong from the very beginning. Later, you fell in love with the person you were truly meant to love, and I paid the price for my actions. We both got what we deserved. The story is over. There’s really nothing more to say.”
Ling Aorui looked at her, her gaze holding a subtle fragility. After a long pause, she murmured, “So that’s how it was… So no one ever…”
“But, a noble person judges actions, not intentions. Regardless of why you approached me, the warmth you gave me was real, and I still thank you for it. Moreover… you did die because of me. That’s enough to prove your love for me was real.”
Qi Qing couldn’t refute this point. She could only say, “Are you done? If you’re done, then hurry up and leave. I don’t want to see you, nor do I want to hear you speak.”
Ling Aorui opened her mouth and said, “I understand.”
She gave Qi Qing a deep look, then went down the mountain.
Qi Qing watched her figure disappear into the increasingly heavy night snow. Only then did the complicated thoughts in her mind gradually calm down. In fact, she had long known this day would come. Ever since the night she left the Heavenly Sword Sect, she had been thinking about how to refuse the other person.
The confrontation wasn’t as intense as she had imagined.
Of course, this was partly due to her own growth and partly because she had come to terms with things. She was no longer as young and impetuous as before, nor did she hold such a grudge.
Hate comes from love, and she had truly let go.
Now, all she thought about was how to make her relationship with Yu Yan reach fruition. Previously, she thought such outcomes came naturally and weren’t related to ‘cultivating’ them. But the further she went, the more she felt that true love might indeed be something that had to be ‘cultivated.’
If it doesn’t go through the eighty-one tribulations, how can love be so resilient? And she and Yu Yan had already experienced enough hardships. What they lacked, perhaps, was just a frank confession.
This was also inspired by recent events.
Just as gods and mortals need communication to achieve proper understanding, weren’t she and Yu Yan in a similar god-mortal dynamic? If they only blindly treated each other well, without any understanding of each other’s hearts, sooner or later they would grow suspicious of each other, their words failing to convey their intentions.
Fortunately, Yu Yan was already planning to be frank.
So, that outcome wouldn’t be too far off.
When Qi Qing returned, it was already very dark. The disciples were all eating in the dining hall. She went in and looked around but didn’t find Yu Yan. Instead, she saw Jiu Chan, who was bent over in the back kitchen, scooping out meat from the bottom of a pot.
Seeing Qi Qing approach, Jiu Chan panicked and quickly hid her bowl behind her back. Qi Qing pretended not to see and asked if she had seen Yu Yan.
“Haven’t seen her. She usually doesn’t eat anyway.”
Jiu Chan thought for a moment and added, “Did she go out?”
Qi Qing had just come back from outside and hadn’t seen anyone leave. So she left the dining hall and searched around. The night wind was strong; if someone had gone out, where could they have gone?
She composed herself, not wanting to send a voice transmission.
This matter couldn’t be rushed. If she deliberately sent a voice transmission, it would seem too intentional. Besides, she hadn’t yet figured out what to say. So, she simply returned to her room to sort out her thoughts first.
Meanwhile, Yu Yan was standing in a pavilion on the mountaintop.
She had just clarified things with Xue’er and was planning to go talk to Qi Qing. Who knew that just as she stepped out, she saw Qi Qing hurrying towards the temple gate.
She didn’t have a habit of following people, but seeing how anxious the other person was, she suspected there might be a critically ill patient. So she followed along, thinking she could lend a hand if she was needed.
Who knew that what she would see was that scene.
Ling Aorui was waiting outside, talking with Qi Qing.
Qi Qing’s tone was calm. It didn’t look like a reunion after a long separation, but rather as if they had met several times already. And compared to before, Qi Qing wasn’t as resistant.
Or rather, her emotions weren’t as agitated. Yu Yan didn’t know if this was their first meeting recently or one of many. These days, she had been busy teaching and rarely met Qi Qing, so she didn’t know exactly what the other had been up to.
They were so close, yet so far apart.
The confession she had prepared got stuck in her throat.
Yu Yan had never been so flustered. She felt like a superfluous decoration, an outsider. She didn’t even dare to listen closely to their conversation and flew to the mountaintop in a panic, not caring where she went.
The snow fell heavier and heavier.
She watched Ling Aorui kneel and stand up, then stand up and kneel again. She didn’t know what was said. She only knew that a vast expanse of wind and snow separated her from the mountainside, where something she didn’t want to know was happening.
Yu Yan had always been lonely.
She liked liveliness but was never the one to create it. She was admired by many but had never formed a relationship with anyone. This time, she had finally decided to step into the storm and offer everything she had, yet such problems arose.
She could stay in the mortal realm for love.
But she couldn’t stay for an unfaithful love.
Even if there was nothing between Qi Qing and Ling Aorui, as long as there was a possibility of their old feelings rekindling, she would have to live in constant fear. She was unwilling to bear such a risk.
On this matter, she could make no concessions.
She stood in the wind and snow, letting the cold wind chill her to the bone.
The next day, the sky cleared after the snow.
The patients who couldn’t come the previous day due to the snowstorm formed a long queue. Everyone in the temple was rushing about, seemingly overwhelmed. Qi Qing was so busy she was run off her feet; just maintaining order almost made her voice hoarse. When noon finally passed and the number of patients slightly decreased, she managed to find some time to walk around and see if her help was needed anywhere.
Who knew that when she reached the alchemy room, it was Xue’er managing things.
After all, Xue’er lacked experience. Seeing so many people arrive at once, she failed to control the heat and timing properly and ruined a batch of urgently needed pills. She sent someone to ask when the new medicinal ingredients could be processed. The processing room was also on a tight schedule and couldn’t spare anyone, so they told her not to rush them as if her life depended on it.
In a moment of impulse, both sides started arguing.
Xue’er was young and thin-skinned. Scolded, she didn’t say a word, only shed tears silently. Seeing the pile of prescriptions for medicine, if they couldn’t be prepared today, all future schedules would be delayed.
How could she bear such a huge responsibility?
Qi Qing first comforted her, telling her not to worry, that she had a way to fix it. Then she asked why Xue’er was alone, and where Yu Yan was.
Hearing this, Xue’er cried even harder, saying her master was sick, so sick she couldn’t get out of bed and hadn’t come at all today. She wanted to visit her but couldn’t find the time.
Sick?
Qi Qing found it strange. Yu Yan was a Grand Golden Immortal; how could she fall sick so easily? She suspected there must be another reason. So, she sent someone down the mountain to buy medicinal ingredients and went to Yu Yan’s room herself to check on her.
Yu Yan was truly sick.
She had a constitution that was susceptible to cold, and had developed chronic ailments from it several times before. Last night, she stood on the mountain all night, her mind racing with anxious thoughts, and actually forgot to use a spiritual barrier to shield herself from the wind. Just like that, she caught a severe cold.
Her head was splitting, and her mouth was dry.
Her mind was also a bit dazed.
She had never felt such unbearable suffering before. She wanted to call someone to pour her a glass of water but couldn’t even make a sound. She managed to endure until past noon when she suddenly heard the door being pushed open. She looked over in a daze, unable to see clearly who it was.
The person didn’t speak, just walked to her bedside and touched her forehead. Then, they went to the table and returned. A soothing liquid flowed into her mouth, like cooled tea, both thirst-quenching and sweet.
Her thirst quenched, she then felt her body aching.
It was heavy and painful, as if pierced by countless needles, tormenting her so much she almost wanted to cry. The worst pain was in her head; she couldn’t even lift it. Before she could say anything, she felt a soft, cool cloth being placed on her forehead. It was very comfortable and refreshing.
Her pain was reduced by half.
After doing all this, the person hurried out.
The room returned to silence. Yu Yan’s eyelids felt swollen, and she couldn’t stop wanting to cry. She didn’t know how she had fallen to this state, tormented like this for love. How was this different from the people she used to look down on the most?
She really wanted to go back, back to the Heavenly Palace.
When people feel wronged, they always think of home. Even if that home had nothing, it would be better than experiencing this extreme pain in the mortal realm.
But to go back, she would have to kill Qi Qing.
How could she kill Qi Qing? If the other person were truly unfaithful, it would be easier for her to act. But she wasn’t. Last night, they talked for a while and then parted. It was this kind of connection, not quite crossing any lines, that felt like finding a grain of sand in rice—hard to swallow, yet hard to spit out.
What exactly did they say last night?
Yu Yan couldn’t help but think, if only she hadn’t been so timid and had continued to listen. It turned out love could make a person so humble, lacking confidence in everything they did, always worried about loss because they feared losing.
She had become… just like the Qi Qing of the past.
When she realized this, she felt even more despair.
Qi Qing had become like that because of Ling Aorui, and now she was following in Qi Qing’s footsteps. Qi Qing was so reliable now; did that mean she didn’t love her at all, or at least not as much as she loved Qi Qing?
Her illness made her even more vulnerable. She now had time to dwell on things she normally wouldn’t overthink. She tried to prove to herself that Qi Qing didn’t love her, while also trying to convince herself that even if Qi Qing did love her, Qi Qing was free.
At least, free to meet other people.
But soon, she started pondering another question—did ‘other people’ include exes?
‘Of course not! That ex is terrible. Qi Qing jumped off a cliff for her! How much love must that have been? Maybe their old feelings will rekindle!’ This was a little figure in her mind, for some reason with the face of a fox.
‘So what if she loved her? That’s all in the past. If someone liked something once, does it mean they can never change their mind for the rest of their life? Jumping off a cliff means her heart died for that person. Maybe Qi Qing scolded her away?’ This was another little figure, with her own face.
‘Or maybe, they arranged another time to meet down the mountain?’
‘How could that be? The temple is so busy every day, and Qi Qing has so much to do. Where would she find time to go down the mountain for a secret meeting?’
‘Hard to say. You don’t see her every day; who knows what she does? Look how calmly they were talking; it definitely wasn’t their first meeting.’
“…Qi Qing wouldn’t do that. Or maybe I saw wrong. I’ve been a bit tired lately; perhaps I caught this cold a while ago.”
‘Stop deceiving yourself. You know what you saw.’
‘Then what do you suggest? Is there any point in suspecting things all day long?’
‘Then go ask Qi Qing!’
‘If I ask, won’t we end up arguing?!’
The two little figures argued back and forth but still didn’t reach a conclusion. Yu Yan knew this was because she and Qi Qing hadn’t yet built up enough trust. They hadn’t known each other long enough. Even if they had done things for each other that transcended life and death, it could be explained as returning a favor, not necessarily that it had to be her.
To put it bluntly, Qi Qing had never said she loved her.
This was the root of her insecurity.
Thinking these thoughts, she slowly fell asleep.
When she was woken up again, it was already evening. Qi Qing came in with a bowl of pear soup to nourish her yin and reduce internal heat. Yu Yan couldn’t quite describe how she felt seeing Qi Qing now; it was like she was a stranger, or that Yu Yan couldn’t get used to her. A basketful of words was stuck in her mouth. She opened her mouth but said nothing, only to have it filled with sweet pear soup.
After finishing the bowl, her throat felt a little better.
“Where did you go last night to get so sick?” Qi Qing took her bowl, placed it on the bedside table, and said, “I only found out you were sick when I went to the alchemy room to look for you. Xue’er was all alone and completely overwhelmed.”
Yu Yan didn’t speak; her mind was still on last night’s events.
“Last night, I actually wanted to talk to you about something, but I couldn’t find you anywhere. Since you’re sick now, just focus on getting better. We can talk when you’re well.”
As soon as these words were spoken, Yu Yan’s heart felt as if it had plunged into an ice cave.
Last night’s matter, what else could it be?
It could only be about Ling Aorui.
Did Qi Qing decide to leave with that person and specifically come to bid her farewell? It’s a pity she was unwell, so Qi Qing couldn’t say it. In that case, was she the one who delayed Qi Qing’s plans?
Yu Yan was not a weak person. Even though she was sick, she didn’t want Qi Qing to pity her for it. So, she lowered her gaze and said in a hoarse voice, “…If you want to leave, I definitely won’t stop you.”
Saying these words seemed to drain all her strength.
She had her own bottom line and self-respect; she would never humbly beg Qi Qing. Besides, if the other person had already decided, how could anything she said possibly change their mind?
Qi Qing looked at her sitting in the darkness, her expression shifting between light and shadow, and asked in confusion, “What about leaving? Who’s leaving? Have you misunderstood something?”
“Then whatever you wanted to say, you can say it now,” Yu Yan said. “No need to worry about my health. I’m a divine official; I won’t die that easily.”
“…Are you angry?” Qi Qing really didn’t understand why she was suddenly being so sarcastic. Could it be a side effect of her illness?
“I’m not angry. I have no need to be angry.” Yu Yan took a deep breath and said seriously, “I’ve said it before, liking you is my own business. I’ve never asked you to reciprocate—in fact, you indeed haven’t said anything in response. If you’ve grown tired of me, you can leave anytime. I won’t possibly stop you.”
Her words were harsh. There was, of course, an element of pique in them, and her illness also made it difficult for her to control her temper, causing her to speak rashly.
Qi Qing was silent for a moment, then said, “I’ve never grown tired of you, A-Yan. The reason I haven’t said I love you is because I’m a little afraid to say that word now.
You already know about my past life with Ling Aorui, right?
Back then, I was ignorant and gave my love away too easily, only to end up with that kind of result. If it were you, could you still say ‘love’ so easily? I haven’t said it, but I know my own heart. I love you very much, more seriously than you think.”
She actually spoke very sincerely, but in Yu Yan’s eyes, it seemed like she was forced to say it just to appease her. A surge of grievance overwhelmed her, and she blurted out, “You love me? Is loving me meeting Ling Aorui behind my back? Last night, you weren’t looking for me, you were looking for her, weren’t you?”
Qi Qing didn’t know she had seen it and felt a bit annoyed for a moment. But her conscience was clear, so there was no need to feel guilty. She said, “Since you saw us, you should have heard what we actually said. I don’t know why you’d be angry about this. Wasn’t I clear enough?
Speaking of which, have you been completely honest with me? Let’s not even talk about that junior disciple confessing to you. When were you planning to tell me that the outcome of your love tribulation is to kill your wife to prove your Dao?”
As soon as the words left her mouth, Qi Qing regretted it. She hadn’t intended to bring this up in such a way. She had envisioned a calmer, more equal conversation. Who knew that in the heat of the moment, one remark leading to another, her words would come out like an interrogation.
Yu Yan was still sick.
How could I pressure her like this?
And when Yu Yan heard her say this, she was overcome with anger and anxiety, and spat out a mouthful of blood. This matter—she had originally planned to discuss it properly with Qi Qing. If she had brought it up first, it would have been a confession. But with Qi Qing asking first, she had lost all initiative.
Now, no matter what she said, it would sound like she was trying to argue her way out of it.
And wasn’t it the same for Qi Qing?
With Yu Yan questioning her about Ling Aorui, even if she explained, it would also sound like she was just making excuses. They were too hasty, pushing matters to a point where it was difficult to resolve.
Seeing Yu Yan vomit blood, Qi Qing quickly helped her circulate her spiritual energy.
Once Yu Yan’s internal blockage cleared, she fainted.
Qi Qing felt somewhat guilty and took care of her all night without even changing her clothes. Only in the morning did she have other junior disciples take over—things at the front were too busy; they couldn’t manage without her.
The two of them thus missed each other. The next day, Yu Yan recovered and threw herself into her busy work. The two of them were once again in a situation where they were in the same place but couldn’t meet.
Every time Qi Qing finished her work and went to see her, Yu Yan was either not there or busy. They couldn’t talk, and Qi Qing didn’t know what to say either.
That night, their conversation had reached a stalemate.
In the span of just a few sentences, there hadn’t been enough time to clear things up.
Meanwhile, Ling Aorui hadn’t left. She felt she had wronged Qi Qing and didn’t dare to disturb her, so she stayed at the foot of the mountain, helping those who came to seek medicine with small tasks like guiding them and organizing queues.
She was beautiful and a woman of few words, so she quickly gained everyone’s goodwill. Someone asked if she was working there out of gratitude for the Goddess’s great kindness. She only nodded silently and didn’t say much.
But though she didn’t say much, others took notice.
Someone told Jiu Chan that there was a hardworking and seemingly very smart young woman downstairs who could perhaps be recruited to solve their staff shortage problem.
It was common knowledge that the temple was short-staffed.
Such a young talent should be used where she’s most needed.
Jiu Chan observed her secretly for a while and found that this person indeed had some skills: she was methodical, and her cultivation was profound. Keeping her at the foot of the mountain just to guide people was truly a waste of talent. Without looking too closely into her background, Jiu Chan practically dragged and tricked her up the mountain and put her in charge of the herb processing.
Ling Aorui, being taciturn, said nothing and just did the work. Because she worked too hard, she even took over other people’s tasks, working day and night with a stoic expression, barely closing her eyes.
Seeing how useful she was, Jiu Chan directly ‘borrowed’ the other staff for the medicinal garden, leaving Ling Aorui alone in processing. She became pale with exhaustion, almost unable to go on, but she didn’t know who to tell.
Until she really couldn’t keep up with the output, and Yu Yan discovered her.
Yu Yan stood outside the door, her face ashen with anger. These past few days, she had been giving Qi Qing the cold shoulder and had no idea when Qi Qing had let this person into the temple, right under her nose.
What’s the meaning of this? Does she want to see us fight?
She gripped the doorframe, her voice low and trembling as she said, “Ling Aorui, right? What are you doing here? Who let you in?”